Goddess, Demon, Convict, and Beach
by Jizabel Disraeli
Summary: Urd meets a demni named Jupiter and find out that she has a lot in common with him. But she also runs into Sirius Black from the Harry Potter series. Can she take the ironic horror?


DISCLAIMER : I do not own and of these characters. They are the property of the creaters of Harry Potter, Oh My Goddess, and Kat. I am only using them for my fanfiction.

Goddess, Convict, Demon, and Beach

A Fan Fiction by Shelby O'Connor

The lines for Sirius were done by- Me (Shelby)

Jupiter were done by- Kat

U.R.D.- Soulless

Now we shall begin.

U.R.D.- Wheeeeeeeeee…

Jupiter- U.R.D., are you a human?

U.R.D.- (**_laughs_**) No. I'm a Goddess. I'm and evil Goddess.

Jupiter- Darn, I wanted dinner.

Sirius: That's gross.

U.R.D.- I eat humans too!

Jupiter- Ah, so we have something in common.

Sirius- I eat actual food.

U.R.D.- I ate one for lunch today, a human I mean.

Sirius- Lunch? Um, let's see, I ate a PBJ for lunch.

Jupiter- Hmmm, so you're a human?

Sirius- Yeah, wait, you both eat human? Woah! That's not good. (**_tremble_**) You stay away from me. Both of you.

U.R.D.- Wheeeeeeeee, I mean, yay!

Jupiter- You like saying "Wheeeeeeeeee" don't you?

U.R.D.- I love saying "Wheeeeeeeeeee." It's what I do.

Jupiter- I'm hungry. But don't worry, human, I won't eat you.

Sirius- (**_sits huddled in a corner from the other two_**) Evil person.

U.R.D.- (**_sits on a couch_**)

Jupiter- I'm not a person, I'm a demon.

U.R.D.- (**_watches T.V_**.)

Sirius- Evil demon.

U.R.D.- (**_throws a boot_**)

Jupiter- (**_boot hits his head_**) Ouch!

U.R.D.- Oops!

Jupiter- Hey, watch were you're throwing your boot! That hurt. (**_rubs bump on his head_**)

Sirius- What are you watching, U.R.D.?

U.R.D.- "X Play."

Sirius- Huh?

U.R.D.- It's a show on "Tech T.V." It's about games.

Sirius- I've never heard of it.

Jupiter- Me neither, even though I watch"G4"

U.R.D.- It comes on "B4 Anime Unleashed" at 10 or 11 I think.

Sirius- Riiight.

Jupiter- What is your name, Human?

Sirius- (**_gets up from his corner_**) Um, Sirius, Sirius Black.

Jupiter- Nice to meet you, Sirius. (**_extends hand/claw thingy_**)

Sirius- (**_quickly runs back to his corner_**)

U.R.D.- (**_starts to eat a bag of chips_**) Ewwwwwwww! What am I doing?

Sirius- Getting fat.

Jupiter- You aren't eating a human? Blasphemy!

U.R.D.- Ahhhhhhhhhhhh… (**_runs on a treadmill)_**

Jupiter- Don't worry. I don't think Goddesses get fat, do they.

U.R.D.- No. I guess not. (**_pours blood on chips_**) Mmmmmmmmmm…

Sirius- (**_passes out from sight of U.R.D. eating bloody chips_**)

Jupiter- Hey, don't be holding out on me. Where did you get that blood? (**_licks his lips_**)I'm thirsty.

U.R.D.- It's from my vile.

Jupiter- Yo, can I have some?

U.R.D.- Yes indeedy.

Jupiter- Thanks a bunch.

U.R.D.- (**_hands Jupiter her blood vile_**)

Jupiter- Ahhhhhh, that's better. drains the vile I'm defiantly not going to eat Sirius now.

Sirius- (**_revives and faints again at the sight of Jupiter drinking from U.R.D.'s blood vile_**)

U.R.D.- (**_sits back on couch drinking bloody chips_**) Mmmmmmmmmm… (**_gets up and begins to poke Sirius_**)

Sirius- (**_wakes up and runs back into his corner to prevent U.R.D.'s poking_**)

U.R.D.- (**_Throws candy bar at Sirius_**) Wheeeeeeeeeeeee… Candy!

Jupiter- (**_smiles revealing very sharp fangs_**)

Sirius- ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (**_jumps up and runs out of the room_**)

U.R.D.- I loooooooooove candy. And some human foods. But I mostly eat plain old humans.

Jupiter- You're lucky. I would like to try some human foods. But I can only eat humans themselves.

U.R.D.- Why is that?

Sirius- (**_pokes head back into the room but quickly pulls it out because of the conversation going on between the Goddess and the demon._**)

Jupiter- I don't know.

U.R.D.- I see.

Jupiter- Damn it, the human keeps running away. (**_walks outside and drags Sirius back into the room_**) I guess it's been that way ever since I was released from my prison.

U.R.D.- Oh.

Sirius- (**_struggles against Jupiter's strong grip on his robes… Jupiter finally lets go and he then goes and sits in a large arm chair_**)

U.R.D.- Ah, Sirius is back.

Sirius- Yes, I'm back. (**_cough_**) Unfortunately. (**_cough_**)

U.R.D.- Wahoo! Something to eat. (throws confetti)

Sirius- What's that?

U.R.D.- Just kidding. (**_smiles revealing very white/shiny teeth_**)

Sirius- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… (**_gets up out of his chair and begins to run than suddenly stops_**) Oh. Wait. (**_sits back down_**)

U.R.D.- Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. I need a smoke. (**_walks over to one side of the room and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter_**)

Jupiter- I need to go get some food before I have to eat Sirius.

Sirius- (**_looks up with a worried look_**)

Jupiter- I'll be right back. (**_walks out of the room_**)

U.R.D.- It's okay Sirius. He was kidding. You have to stop being so paranoid.

Sirius- (**_looks back down_**)

Jupiter- (**_returns with his arm full of human limbs… starts chomping on a leg_**)

U.R.D.- Hey, let me have some.

Jupiter- (**_hands an arm to U.R.D._**) Here.

U.R.D.- (**_takes a drag of her cigarette_**) Thanks.

Sirius- I'm… um… I'm going to go. (**_edges_** **_to the doorway and then breaks into a run_**)

U.R.D.- (**_stares at Sirius for a few seconds then begins to eat the arm_**)

Jupiter- (**_drinks blood from leg_**) Mmmmmm. Tasty.

U.R.D.- (**_puts out her cigarette_**)

Jupiter- (**_shouts_**) SIRIUS. I'M NOT GOIN TO EAT YOU. COME BACK INTO THE ROOM RIGHT NOW OR I MIGHT JUST RECONSIDER!

U.R.D.- (**_shout)_** NEATHER AM I!

Jupiter- (**_shouts_**) SEE, SIRIUS? NEATHER OF US ARE GOIN TO EAT YOU!

Sirius- (**_in a faint voice_**) What?

Jupiter- (**_screams at the top of his voice_**) SIRIUS, HERE, NOW!

Sirius- Okay, Okay. Don't have a frckin seizure.

U.R.D.- Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

Sirius- Will you stop that? Oh my God. You're like a frickin broken record.

U.R.D.-But it's fun. And it's "Oh my Goddess."

Jupiter- It is fun though. See? I shall say Wheeeeeeee… (**_clears throat_**) Wheeeeeeeeee…

U.R.D.- We're just ubnoxous.

Sirius- Riiight. Now, Jupiter. I'm curious. What were you saying about a prison earlier?

Jupiter- What? Oh. A prison made by ancients.

Sirius- And…?

Jupiter- I was kept there for centuries

Sirius- Oh, well, I was framed for killing 12 muggles and a wizard. I went to a wizard prison for twelve years. It kind of sucked.

Jupiter- Hmmm, that's a long time for a human.

Sirius- Yeah, kind of is. Especially when you were innocent.

Jupiter- Yes. I understand.

U.R.D.- (**_sits on a box)_** I'm bored.

Jupiter- Why are you sitting on a box?

Sirius- Yeah. You're a Goddess. Why a box and not an outrageously expensive couch or something?

U.R.D.- Drop it. (**_stands up and stretches every muscle in her body she can find_**) I'm going to go to the beach.

Sirius- Okay. You go ahead and do that.

U.R.D.- (**_walks into a room that Sirius and Jupiter didn't think was ever there and changes into her bathing suit_**) Does anyone want to join me perhaps?

Jupiter- I'm going with her. (**_leaves through the same door as U.R.D. to change_**)

Sirius- (**_mutters to himself_**) Yes, they are finally gone. No more evil demon or that chaos chick. Ack, I'm bored now. I guess I'll come to.

U.R.D.- (**_storms out of her changing room_**) You son of a bitch!

Sirius- Oh boy. What did I do now?

U.R.D.- Goddess ears don't miss much. How dare you call me a chaos chick. I'm gonna eat you!

Sirius- On second thought, I think I might just sit this one out. (**_runs out of the room_**)

U.R.D.- (**_follows Sirius and punches him in the gut_**)

Sirius- Holy shit. I never knew a girl could punch.

U.R.D.- Yeah? Well, I'm not just any little girl. You bastard. (**_walks back into the room and leaves Sirius in the hall._**)

U.R.D.- (**_goes to escalade_**) let's go

Jupiter- Yeah. There are more humans to snack on at the beach.

Sirius- Oh no you don't. (**_returns to room with a wand in hand_**) STUPIFY (**_spell hits Jupiter square in the chest and knocks him back a couple of steps_**)

Jupiter- (**_shakes off spell_**) Well, that was, um, strange. (**_gets into escalade_**)

Sirius- (**_grabs_** **_recently stolen Firebolt and flies after the other two_**)

U.R.D.- (**_parks escalade and turns on the car alarm than walks on to the beach_**)

Sirius- (**_lands_**) Freaks. (**_kicks a nice big dent in the escalade than catches up with the two man-eaters_**)

U.R.D.- (**_jumps into the air and bites Sirius_**) That's for stunning Jupiter! (**_licks up the blood that splattered her face_**)

Sirius- HOLY SHIT (**_looks at the bite given to him by U.R.D._**)

Jupiter- You bit the human?

U.R.D.- It wasn't me!

Sirius- SHE BIT ME! DID YOU SEE THAT? SHE BIT ME! HOLY SHIT!

Jupiter- She bit you where?

U.R.D.- I bit him on the arm. Don't be a freak.

Jupiter- I wasn't being a freak. I was just asking.

Sirius- (**_takes out his wand and points at his arm while muttering a spell… his arm is immediately mended)_**

Jupiter- (**_grabs unsuspecting human and rips off his head_**) Well, time for a snack. I'm hungry.

U.R.D.- I want the heart!

Jupiter- (**_hands heart to U.R.D._**)Here you go.

U.R.D.- Thanks bunches. (**_slowly eats heart_**) Mmmmmm… Juicy! The heart is my absolute favorite part of every meal.

Jupiter- (**_rips out the lungs of the headless human_**) I favor the lungs. (**_takes a bite_**) Mmmmmmmm… Chewy!

Sirius- (**_walks over to concession stand and buys a hotdog_**) I like ketchup.

U.R.D.- You know? Those are made of humans too.

Sirius- Never mind. (**_tosses hotdog into near by trash can_**)

Jupiter- I would like to have some of that ketchup. I heard that it tastes kind of like warm blood.

Sirius- Um, here. Help yourself. (**_hands a bottle of ketchup to Jupiter_**)

U.R.D.- My goddess! Jupiter, you ate that candy bar that I threw at Sirius, you pig! Human food is full of fat you know.

Sirius- (**_laughs_**) Fatso.

Jupiter- What's that, little human?

Sirius- Wait! I take that back. Please don't hurt me.

Jupiter- (**_squirts ketchup into his mouth_**) Well, I've learned that candy bars are not the only human food that is edible.

U.R.D.- Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…

Jupiter- (**_eats the rest of the ketchup including the bottle_**)

U.R.D.- (**_flies into the air and dives straight into the water_**) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

Sirius- Brass monkey, that funky monkey. Brass monkey, junkie, that funky monkey. Whew. Glad I got that out of my system.

U.R.D.- Alrightly then. (**takes a few steps away from Sirius and his love for the Beastie Boys**)

Jupiter- WATER! (**_runs down the beach… rips of an arm from a near by man and starts chomping on it while jumping into the water_**) WAHOO!

U.R.D.- WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I love the beach!

Jupiter- GIVE ME A WOOHOO! GIVE ME A WOOT!

Sirius- You know? Blood attracts sharks and sharks eat things. Not just human things.

U.R.D.- I eat sharks too. Sharks no eat me.

Jupiter- I've never eaten sharks before.

U.R.D.- (**_grabs a shark out of the water and rips off its tail_**)

Jupiter- Well, I guess we're having shark for dinner.

Sirius- (**_sits on the shore watching U.R.D. eat the shark_**) That's disgusting.

Jupiter- (**_gets out of the water_**) Yo, U.R.D., catch me one of those.

U.R.D.- (**_blasts a shark out of the water and levitates it towards Jupiter on the shore_**) There you go, Jupiter.

Jupiter- (**_starts to eat the shark_**) Thanks.

U.R.D.- Hey, Sirius, do you want me to get you one?

Sirius. (**_goes back to the concession stand and buys a bag of chips)_** No thanks. I'll stick with these. (**_sits down on the shore and opens the bag of chips_**)

U.R.D.- (**_blasts another shark out of the water and cuts a large hole in it and then buries her face in the hole_**)

Sirius- Don't Goddesses have manners?

U.R.D.- (**_eats innards of shark_**) No.

Sirius- Oh. Okay. (**_slowly continues eating his chips_**)

Jupiter- (**_rips of a human's arm_**) Human and shark's blood. Mmmmmmmm… Tasty!

Sirius- That's an interesting mixture, Jupiter.

Jupiter- (**_smiles_**) It's good!

Sirius- That's nice. (**_goes and gets a Coke)_**

U.R.D.- (**_sees a child running by and rips his skin off like s suit and the child keeps running until he falls screaming in agony… then eats the skin_**) Mmmmmmmmm…

Jupiter- May I have some?

U.R.D.- Certainly. (**_rips the skin in half and give one half to Jupiter_**)

Jupiter- Thank you.

Sirius- (**_walks back from the concession)_** You know? That's murder.

U.R.D.- I know. But it's sooooooo good. You should try some.

Sirius- Um, no I'm fine.

Jupiter- (**_eats his half_**) It's tender. Yum!

Sirius- My God! It's like "Jaws" the next generation. So many people being eaten and all of them being at the beach.

U.R.D.- For the last time. It's "My Goddess."

Sirius- Whatever.

U.R.D.- (**_takes her third bite off in the skin and licks her lips_**) I'm stuffed.

Sirius- I wonder why I haven't puked yet.

U.R.D.- (**_runs like the wind and stuffs the rest of her child skin into his mouth… laughs hysterically… runs like hell back to Jupiter)_**

Jupiter- (**_laughs manically along with U.R.D_**.)

Sirius- (**_swallows the skin and looks disgusted_**) Wait. Here we go. (**_runs over to a trash can and pukes into it)_**

U.R.D.- (**_falls to the floor and keeps laughing_**)

Jupiter- That was hilarious U.R.D.!

Sirius- (**_returns wiping his mouth_**) It was not.

U.R.D.- (**_starts o cry from laughing so hard_**) Okay. (**_giggles_**) I'm done. **_heaves a sigh which lasts for like 5 minutes_**

Sirius- I would like to see you be a human for a day, U.R.D. It's not quite lilies and daffodils for me to be here right now.

U.R.D.- I was a human.

Sirius- Oh really?

U.R.D.- I was good my whole life. Then I died and became a Goddess. Now I'm having fun.

Sirius- Yeah? Well, I was trapped in a prison for 12 years. Not fun.

Jupiter- So, U.R.D., why are you an evil Goddess?

Sirius- Yes. Why?

U.R.D.- First of all, I feel freer being evil.

Jupiter- You mean "More free."

U.R.D.- Sure. Whatever. Second of all, There are less rules.

Sirius- Stop bragging.

U.R.D.- What do you mean? I'm not!

Sirius- (**_talks in a high, girlish voice)_** "There are less rules. I feel more free being evil." (**_talks in normal manly voice_**) Give me a break.

Jupiter- Come on, U.R.D. Give Sirius a break. He was in prison for 12 human years.

U.R.D.- I know. And now he's not. I'm not bragging though. I'm telling the truth. sticks out her tongue and runs back into the water

Sirius- I hope you drown.

U.R.D.- Okay. I will!

Sirius- Go ahead. What are you waiting for?

U.R.D.- (**_drowns_**)

Sirius- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Ding dong the witch is dead, the witch is dead, the witch is dead. Ding dong the wicked witch is dead.

Jupiter- She can't die you know.

Sirius- (**_jumps up about 4 feet, stops in mid-air, then lands_**) Huh?

U.R.D.- (**_comes back to life_**) Goddesses are immortal.

Sirius- God damn it. (**_looks up at the sky_**) Why? Why must every moment of my life be miserable? (**_sits down on the sand and starts to hold his breath_**)

Jupiter- I thinks he's trying to commit suicide.

Sirius- (**_starts to turn blue_**)

U.R.D.- You know? You should be a God.

Sirius- (**_starts to turn purple)_**

U.R.D.- It could really work for you.

Sirius- (**_eye pupils begin to grow_**)

U.R.D.- (**_walks over to Sirius and slaps him to make him breathe_**)Call 1-555-GODDESS and they'll hook you up.

Sirius- (**_gasps_**) Really? But I'm a guy.

U.R.D.- So?

Sirius- I don't want to be a Goddess. I want to be a God. Isn't there like a 1-555-God?

U.R.D.- No. It's a hotline where you get a Goddess and they grant you one wish.

Sirius- Oh. Hold on. (**_walks over to a payphone then quickly turns around and walks back._**)

U.R.D.- (**_throws Sirius 50 cents_**)

Sirius- Thanks. (**_walk back to the payphone_**)

U.R.D.- No problemo.

Jupiter- Sooooooooo… Does this really work.

U.R.D.- Yeah. (**_grabs a small girl and rips her in half_**)

Sirius- (**_walks back with a big smile_**)

Jupiter- You got your wish Sirius? You're a God now?

Sirius- No. I've been freed of all charges. No more Dementors chasing after me!

U.R.D.- Oh. I forgot to you…

Sirius- To tell me what?

U.R.D.- When you call, you have to talk to Belldandy or else you don't get your wish.

Sirius- Damn it. You suck.

Jupiter- That wasn't very kind U.R.D.

U.R.D.- Belldandy or Skud.

Sirius- Who is that?

U.R.D.- Those are my sisters.

Sirius- Oh. Again, you suck.

Jupiter- Sorry. I've got to go. I totally forgot that I was planning to destroy Iceland. I'll see you later.

U.R.D.- Okay, have fun!

Jupiter- Bye.

U.R.D.- Bye. Don't just stand there, Sirius, say bye!

Sirius- (**_mumbles_**) Bye.

Jupiter- (**_runs off_**)

Sirius- Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… I'm hungry. I'll be right back. I'm having a craving for Chinese food. Give me ten minutes.

U.R.D.- Okie Dokey!

Sirius- Don't leave. I'm just going for takeout. (**_walks away_**)

U.R.D.-(**_grabs another human and starts to rip off limbs while waiting for Sirius to return_**)

Sirius- I'm back. (**_opens up a fortune cookie and eats it throwing away the fortune not bothering to read it_**)

U.R.D-Hey, I've got to go. I have a meeting scedualed with the devil. You know haw busy us Goddesses are.

Sirius- Um, no, I actually don't. But okay, Bye.

U.R.D.- Bye. I'll make sure I put in a good word about you with Big Red. (**_disappears in a cloud of pink smoke_**)

Sirius- I'm all alone. (**_walks away from the beach slowly than suddenly stop_**s) I wonder what she meant by, (**_talks in a high girlish voice_**) "I'll make sure that I put in a good word for you with big red." (**_continues walking into the distance_**)

Juli- (**_walks down the beach holding a leach with a half pound Chihuahua on the end of it_**) This is my Chihuahua, Ralph.

**THE END!**

A/N- This was a real conversation between 4 people… Me, Kat, Soulless, and if you look above my best friend, Juli, has one line that she added. This conversation went on wile role playing and it was like 2 and ½ hours long so I hope u liked it. PLEASE REVIEW! IF YOU DON'T… IT MAKES ME SAD --;


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